


What I Never Went Looking For

by getyourfaceoutofmyface



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 07:09:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15944312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/getyourfaceoutofmyface/pseuds/getyourfaceoutofmyface
Summary: Can you lose something if you never really had it to begin with?





	What I Never Went Looking For

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Illgetmerope](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illgetmerope/gifts).



He’d planned it for six months, the words he would say if he ever saw him again. Robert would fall asleep at night as scenarios ran through his mind like a silent film. He’d be confident and assured, his spine straight, his lips smug. He’d be dressed in his best suit, hair mussed to perfection. For some reason the shine of the midday sun would always beam around him. He would have his moment to prove Aaron hadn’t broken him, hadn’t gotten under his skin. Hadn’t changed him.

Instead he was hammered, drunk on the company dime and his tie hanging from his fingers; his hair flat against his head as he wandered blindly home in the early morning mist. His instincts took him to Aaron’s flat before he was conscious of where he was. He let himself brace against the doorframe, his fingers tracing over the curve of the brass knocker. The one that had bruised his back when Aaron has pressed him into it, bodies aligned just like everything else about them was. Used to be.

He slid down, pretending the wet on his face was the weather’s fault and not that of man on the other side. He felt farther away than wood and creaky steps up a landing. Farther away even still by the whisky Robert swigged, nicked from the female bartender he’d charmed hours before. Because he could. Because that was who he was. To everyone. Except to the one person that made himself matter, the miserable git.

He knocked his head against the door to clear his thoughts. The slight sting was refreshing, even if it did nothing to stop the pounding of his heart, that sickly ache that never ceased to bubble in his stomach. His fingers twitched against the glass in his hand.

So he did it again. And again. Until his head smarted from it and a light came on, bright and blinding. Until he felt himself fall backwards, slumped on the floor looking up into the face he’d missed so fucking much.

“Robert?”

And of course he would be the one haloed like an angel. Of course his hair would be sleep messed and his eyes soft. Of course Aaron would be like the first sip of rainwater after a drought. The bastard.

“It’s all your fault. Falling in love with you ruined everything.”

**********

Robert hadn’t gone looking for Aaron. He’d gone looking for a good time, that’s all he’d ever looked for. He had a girlfriend away, again, her constant spa weekends and ladies trips giving him all the freedom he required. No one would ever go looking for Aaron. They’d never believe he was a possibility, could never fathom something with that much heart and heat.

They’d locked eyes as Aaron lined up a shot at the pool table. He was surrounded by men with pints in their hands while Robert had been chatting up a leggy blonde at the bar. Until he’d met those blue eyes by chance and the world tipped over, righting itself. Like nothing had ever made any fucking sense until that moment. Like Robert had been waiting for him, because there he was and he was the reason.

They’d not even spoken a word to each other the first time Robert felt the burn of Aaron’s beard across his neck. His hips pushing jean clad legs against the brick wall, the dark of the alley doing nothing to dim the brightness of those eyes. The slide of their tongues was kinetic, their hands rough, the need brutal. It reminded Robert of a song he couldn’t place, a distant memory of car windows down and the wind in his hair. 

Contentment, exhilaration, freedom.

Aaron had bit Robert’s lip as he pulled away, the drag of his teeth made Robert’s dick throb. Heavy breath against their faces, Robert’s hands holding Aaron’s cheeks, pressing against the grain of his beard.

“Aaron”

His name, their first word and the one that would forever alter Robert’s existence.

“Robert.”

His voice had been raspy, wanton. But they’d said all they’d needed to say. It was all that mattered in the end.

**********

Robert blinked awake and knew instantly where he was. There was an anvil pressing onto his head and his throat felt like gravel. In the soft morning light he could make out Aaron slumped in the chair, his head tipped forward. He had a blanket askew on his lap and his hands folded across his chest. Like he’d dropped instantly to sleep while keeping guard, watching Robert who had somehow been splayed out across the couch.

Had Robert been a better man he might have done things differently. But he wasn’t. He never had been. Why change now? He’d never moved so quiet, shame pushing through his limbs. The alcohol still weighed him down, every move demanded calculation. He let himself have one last long look before sneaking out the door. Just another act he’d come to regret, the list a ticker tape of his life.

**********

It was mesmerizing that first time Robert had the expanse of Aaron’s skin before him. He was greedy for it, his lips mapping this new world for his own delight, Aaron’s pleasure be damned. The soft lines of Aaron's chest, the hollows of Aaron's collarbone, that soft spot of flesh on Aaron’s thighs. Robert was addicted to his tongue dipping across, to nuzzling his nose, to breathing deep. He’d learn eventually scent memory was a real and painful thing.

Aaron’s moans were just a bonus. The feel of his fingers in Robert’s hair, pulling tight, fusing them together. Because everything with them was always in tandem, at least in this. 

Give and take, bite and hiss, soothe and sigh. 

****

Robert had expected Aaron to call. Thought for sure his little display would have been cause for concern. It’d been a dance they’d choreographed many times before. Robert giving just enough to keep Aaron hanging on. He hadn’t intended to, hadn’t planned any of it. But nothing about them had been intentional, even if it was as natural as breathing.

After two days and not a sound Robert felt emptier than before. Aaron wasn’t playing his part and Robert didn’t know what his was anymore.

**********

They never talked about the phone calls Robert would ignore as he moved inside Aaron, slick and powerful. They didn’t talk about the times Robert would leave before the afterglow died, regret in his eyes as he slid his fingers down Aaron’s cheek. Didn’t talk about the times Robert would pull Aaron onto his chest because this time he could stay where he wanted to be. Didn’t talk about endless soft kisses or rough hands. Didn’t talk about Robert showing up with a takeaway and a smirk. Didn’t talk about how they’d just kiss for hours, a forgotten movie casting shadows around them. Didn’t talk about the nights Robert would sneak in while he slept so Aaron would wake up wrapped in warmth and confusion. 

They didn’t talk about them, whatever they were, it was an unspoken agreement. So they talked about everything else. Went for drives through the backroads, music loud, fingers intertwined. Sat in empty fields with cans sweating in their hands, making each other laugh with stories of their past, of their week, of their day.

It was two months before Robert even knew what Aaron did for a living. He’d arrived at Aaron’s, pent up and lustful, two days away two lonely days too many. But he’d seen the bandage on Aaron’s arm and the lust simmered as something else bloomed. He raised his eyebrows in question, and Aaron always answered anything Robert asked.

“Accident at the scrapyard this morning. Only six stitches. I’ll be fine.”

Robert cooked them dinner, cleaned up and made Aaron tea just the way he liked it. He sat on the couch with Aaron’s feet tucked under his leg as they held hands. The soft stroke of Aaron’s thumb against his fingers soothing to nerves Robert didn’t know he had.

Robert never got what he came for that night but he’d gotten more than life owed him.

**********

He pulled away from her, more so than ever before. They hadn’t had sex for months but she could no longer blame it on stress or work blues. He didn’t touch her. Couldn’t make himself. The hollow Aaron left behind made him unable to lie, not anymore.

All things considered she took it well. The sting of someone else clear even though love hadn’t been their style. The sheen and polish of them had been the pull. For both of them. He let her end it, he gave her that. Or pretended to, because he didn’t have the strength for anything anymore. 

As the movers collected the last of her things and she handed him her keys she offered him a soft smile. He’d never deserved her. She’d never deserved him or what he put her through.

“I hope you figure it out Robert. It’s okay if she’s what you want, what makes you happy”

“He.”

It was the first time he’d said it. Admitted it to anyone, maybe even to himself. The understanding flashed in her eyes and she hugged him fiercely. 

He’d lost them both but there was only one who haunted him at night.

**********

He’d wanted to impress Aaron, looking back now he could see that. Aaron never blinked at the luxury of Robert’s car or the price tag of the suits Robert wore. He didn’t know how to leave a mark on Aaron. Didn’t know how to show him that Robert had something no one else could offer.

He told Aaron to pack at bag and they drove through the day, comfortable in silence until they reached the hotel that overlooked the water. It was high class but comfortable, a mixture of classic and modern, a mixture of them. Two nights of open affection in the bar, two days walking the beach hand in hand. Robert kissed ice cream from Aaron’s lips as sand seeped into their shoes. He laughed when Aaron bought him a ridiculous tourist t shirt that was two sizes too big. He filled his phone with photos of them smiling, of Aaron’s warm gaze, face tipped towards the sun. Captured Aaron’s glowing skin against white sheets.

He forgot everything else as their room filled with sweat and their laboured breaths. Let himself imagine every time was as sweet as this. Slow and steady, the bow pulled taunt for what felt like hours. Memorized the feel of Aaron’s hands pressed into his, holding him down, keeping him together. He let himself say the words with every thrust of his hips, with every stroke of his tongue. Wrote the words with his fingertips over every inch of Aaron he could touch.

Knowing what he knew now, that it would be the last time, he still wouldn’t change a moment of it.

**********

He threw himself into his work, was able to pretend for the first week that showing up at Aaron's door hadn’t put him back to square one. Let himself believe he’d actually gotten somewhere in those six months, that he could get there again. He’d had a lifetime outside of the 5 months he’d known of Aaron. A lifetime of pretending to fall back on. Thought it would be like putting back on a comfortable pair of shoes.

But he couldn’t sleep and he gave up trying. Propped himself up on pillows and swiped through his phone to pass the time. Counted the freckles on Aaron’s back, traced his finger over the slight scar still pink on his arm. Let himself pretend those blue eyes were real and not a reflection on a screen. Until finally Robert gave into the need for the alcohol to kill the thundering pain, let it lull him to sleep, eventual oblivion.

He came to three days later, his place a mess, his eyes red and puffy, wearing the novelty shirt like a security blanket. Nothing was worth this, not anymore. Because Aaron was locked inside and he couldn’t dig him out. Robert realized he wouldn’t let him go, even if he knew how.

He cleaned his house with newfound energy. He ran over what to say over and over again in his mind. Tried to plan for every eventuality, steel himself for whatever would come. Prepared himself for whatever Aaron would throw at him.

He armoured himself with the jeans he knew Aaron loved and a shirt he knew Aaron hated. He stared at himself in his rearview mirror, trying to see something in himself that made him worth it and failed.

He didn’t stand in the doorway long, just pressed the bell and let his heart expand and contract as the door opened before him.

**********

Aaron had been quiet the whole way home but Robert convinced himself it was from satisfaction. That nothing else could ever wiggle in between them. That the last two days has cemented them in place.

Over the next three days, his texts went unanswered. He pretended it was fine; they had to be fine. But fear gripped him tight, strangled his heart and edged him closer towards something he couldn’t name. 

He told her he was sick, sent her to the party on her own. He ignored her pout and the revealing cut of her dress because he needed to get to him. Drove as fast as he could, used the key he knew was hidden under the potted plant on the stairs. He never prepared himself fully and he should have.

Aaron hadn’t seem surprised to see him, didn’t try to hide the sheen of tears in his eyes as he stood up from the couch. Robert moved to him, pressed their foreheads together, clutched at Aaron’s arms, ignored that Aaron didn’t hold him in return.

“What’s wrong? Who hurt you?”

“You, Robert, only you.”

He felt like he’d been punched in the chest. He felt like sand was slipping through his fingers. But more than anything he felt betrayed, angry.

Aaron pulled from his grasp and Robert hated that he reached for him still. His hands ached with the emptiness.

“For almost six months I have shared my bed with you, Robert. My life, everything. I’ve given it to you. And yet I don’t even know where you live. I don’t know her name, but I know the smell of her perfume. And I hate her. I hate her for being more important, for having all of you. I hate her for meeting you first.”

“Aaron, it’s not…”

“No. No, don’t. I don’t want you to make me promises you wont keep. We’ve never been that. I don’t want us to ever be that.”

“What do you want? Aaron, I’ll give it to you. You know I will.”

Aaron rubbed his face then, swiped at the tears that broke a piece of Robert everytime they fell.

“That’s the problem Robert. I could pretend I didn’t need anything else. That what we were was enough. Then you gave us that weekend and, can’t you see it? How can you not see it?”

“What Aaron? See what? That we need each other?”

“That I love you!”

It pulsed out at Robert, filled every crevice of self hate and doubt in him. Made the hair on his arms stand up. Terrified him.

Aaron’s eyes, so impossibly sad and beautiful, took Robert’s silence in. Then he closed his eyes, blocked Robert out and nodded his head.

”And now I know, I can’t pretend anymore. I’m in love with you. You love me too, Robert, I can feel it. I know everything we could have if you’d just let us. But you won’t and I won’t ask you to. If us, what we have, what we’ve shared hasn’t proven it to you by now then nothing will. What more is there to say?”

“So that’s it? You love me so it’s over?!”

Because he was panicking, grasping for something, lost in the look on Aaron’s face. He didn’t recognize this man. Wanted to soothe the pain without hurting himself in the process. Tried to keep himself afloat.

“Yes.”

“So what this is an ultimatum then? End it so I’ll pick you over the life I’ve built for myself?”

And he knew, God he knew, in that moment he’d ended any chance he’d ever had. The worst part of it all, Aaron hadn’t looked shocked at the words. Like he’d known all along the right bastard Robert could be.

He hated himself for being this man. Hated Aaron for seeing who he was, all the parts he tried to hide. Hated the pain he was causing them both because he wasn’t strong enough.

“There is no choice, Robert. It’s been made.”

“Please, Aaron, I didn’t mean that.”

“No, Robert, you did. It’s okay. Neither of us meant for us to let it get this far did we?”

He could feel the sob starting to force its ways up his throat. The need to run, to get away and hide overpowering the desire to make promises. To offer everything he had at Aaron’s feet, to beg.

Aaron stepped forward and Robert flinched like a scared animal, the pain already too much. But he still leaned his cheek into Aaron’s palm as it pressed in. Still drank in Aaron’s lips that tasted of salt and finality.

Then the warmth of Aaron was gone and Robert ran like the coward he was.

**********

Aaron didn’t say anything, just looked Robert over with a passive look on his face.

“Can I come in?”

Aaron let out a soft sigh and shook his head.

“Robert, I don’t think...”

“Aaron, I love you.”

Aaron smiled sadly at that and Robert wanted to kiss the downward tilt of his lips.

“I know. It doesn’t change anything.”

“But it does Aaron, because it changed me. You changed me. She’s gone, she left and I barely noticed. Because you have all the space left in me, you’ve creeped into every part. The parts I don’t even want to see. But you made me look at them, and you know what, they aren’t that bad.”

“No, Robert, they’re not bad at all.”

Robert felt the light in Aaron’s eyes shine calm over his heart. He saw hope reflected out at him and he grasped at it with greedy hands.

“And I don’t know what will happen. But I want you to know where I live. I want to show you off to my colleagues. I want you to be there every morning and every night. I want to be myself, with you, because you make it easy for me to be me. Even if it’s not a choice I’m allowed to make I choose you. And I will, everytime.”

And it’s a hug, arms wrapped around each other tight, Aaron’s face pressed into his neck. It’s more than Robert deserves but he’s selfish, so he takes it.


End file.
